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  1. #1

    Yennage Can't Cook #15 Onion Wrapped Sausage & Bacon Rings


    Hello! Gotta start this one off with a quick shout out to some people on the internet (you know the ones!) for an unexpected suggestion. Basically during my regular browsing habits, I stumbled upon an image for bacon wrapped onion rings, as shown in the picture below:

    "Boy, I could really go for that; but something's missing..." I thought to myself... That's when it hit me, a lightning bolt of inspiration from the internet ether: "This recipe is for novices, not for someone who integrates cardboard and computers into their cooking". From that moment of contemplation, this recipe was borne: a reversal of roles, a cooking revelation, onions would no longer be confined to mere rings, a pathetic filling wrapped in the scorn of breadcrumbs and fried without dignity! NO! They shall be promoted to the main event!

    For on this day, it shall be bacon that plays servant to sausage as king of pork based meat products, and onion shall rise to meet its true destiny at the dinner table of fate, an ambassador for vegetables! a portal to a new world! A FLAVOUR REVOLUTION!

    Their dawn has broken, the passing of the torch has begun, let these onions lay an eternal path for all that follow! SIDE DISH... EVOLUTION!!!

    Anyway, yeah, this didn't really pan out so...

    Step 1 -- Assemble your array of delicious ingredients:

    From the left we've got a chain that will serve a culinary purpose, the second packet of pop rocks that I didn't want to eat during the US review, Wotsits, bacon, an onion that had been in my cupboard for about 3 weeks and cider & apple sausages to make up for the lack of any actual cider.

    Step 2 -- Season your bacon liberally with a Wotsit and pop rock mixture:

    Protip: Pop rocks actually contain a vivid blue colouring for some reason that unfortunately doesn't form some magical mixed colour with the orange colouring in Wotsits

    Step 3 -- Prepare your onion (no idea how the onion filling of onion rings is actually made or how to correctly chop an onion):

    Protip: Chopping your onion on a tiny plate pretty much guarantees your hand will slip at some point, sending half of it cascading onto your floor.

    Step 4 -- Begin frying your sausages:

    Protip: Pre-prepare a hearty meal of bacon rolls to give you the strength to carry out this recipe (it's why the oil looks a bit murky!)

    Step 5 -- Add your freshly mutated bacon:

    Protip: Pop rocks and already spitting hot oil do not make for an unburned cooking arm (all part of the journey though)

    Step 6 -- Throw in your onions and rotate your bacon:

    Protip: Further to the above protip, pop rocks and anything just don't mix, that popping action is unpleasant in every context and the result of frying blue dye in the image is nothing short of troubling.

    Step 7 -- Plate up all your ingredients for a while so that you don't scald yourself when assembling this monster:

    Protip: You'll need quite a few napkins to absorb the huge amounts of grease your ingredients will be swimming in.

    Step 8 -- Begin assembling your rings:

    Protip: Trying to thread a chain through a still fairly warm sausage is a difficult and greasy job that I wouldn't wish upon anyone

    Step 9 -- Give up on assembling it properly and just kind of pile everything into a sort of ringed shape:

    Protip: Don't stare directly into your abomination for too long, lest your soul try and leave your body.

    Step 10 -- DIG IN!

    Protip: Trying to clean embedded sausage and grease from a chain is a messy and futile task.

    Well that was a disaster... The sausage was okay but was difficult to eat because of the evisceration suffered from the chain, the bacon had been transformed into a blue tinged mess that reduced me to tears with just one bite whilst the onions were so greasy that the one piece I ate probably knocked about 5 years off my life expectancy...

    But good flavour wasn't the point of this recipe... No... The point was to try something and fail, to push the boundaries of acceptable or reasonable cooking just that little bit further, so that some day, maybe onion wrapped bacon rings won't be an embarrassing mess!

    Keep on eating, friends
    Don't forget to vote for our server!

    What a beautiful world this will be, what a glorious time to be free!

  2. #2
    Monkeyz's Avatar Golden Hatchet
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    Its not good to read these like an hour before lunch. You start looking at peoples faces and start thinking omfg that looks so good I'm so huuuuungry. Or you start eating their fingers. Which ever one happens first.

    But that looks delicious yen!

  3. #3

    That's an Iron Chef quality meal!

  4. #4

    I kinda cringed at the pop rocks
    For the rest, looking great!

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